Lesson #5: Life is Easier When You Accept Your Child for Who He Is (Ann)

My life could have been much easier if I had learned earlier how my own expectations for my child were interfering with my understanding of him. I remember going to birthday parties of Eric’s preschool classmates and seeing him at those parties, off playing by himself, ignoring the other kids, covering his ears when they sang Happy Birthday. It really hurt to see him looking so different from his peers. At some point later, maybe when I was better able to accept his diagnosis, I realized that I was trying to fit Eric into a world that resembled my own world growing up, that was based on my own ideas of what was important in life. I learned that when Eric is obviously having a difficult time in a situation, that I should try to look at it from his perspective. Is this making Eric happy? Is this something he enjoys doing? Is this too difficult for him? And the most important question, do I want him to do this because it is important to me or to him? I spent a lot of time grieving over the years for what I thought were losses in Eric’s life when in fact he was very happy and didn't seem to miss what I thought he was missing. I began to stop feeling sad about how his life was different than what I expected and be happy that Eric is happy, that he has a full life, and that he is loved by his family.

I recently discovered that the understanding of “who your child is” can change. I have always prided myself on knowing a lot about autism, and being the “expert” about my child. But I learned recently, that no matter how much you think you know your child, know his or her autism and how it affects him, they can and probably will surprise you. My son has always been socially withdrawn, always preferred to be alone, and I thought he would always be that way. And now, he is surprising me every day with things he does and interests he has that don’t fit the picture I've had in my mind of him all these years. Be careful not to close any doors because you think your child won’t go there. The future is a mystery and we can’t possibly predict what it will be like for our children because they will change and the world will change.

I think it’s an ongoing struggle for parents, this issue of “accepting them for who they are”. I've had a recent experience that got me thinking about this issue all over again. I was at Orientation at my son’s college and I was in the Student Union waiting for one of the parent meetings to begin. I was looking over the railing to the lobby area below and I saw my son with a group of other incoming freshmen waiting to go on a tour of campus. Eric was standing with the group, actually sort of on the fringes of the group, pacing and talking to himself quietly. I immediately thought to myself, he should probably not be doing that! They will think he is different!

The next day of Orientation something wonderful happened. He had spent his first night on campus, in a dorm room, and I was nervous about how it went. The school had planned a number of social activities for the freshmen during the evening but I didn't know if Eric was going to go to any of them or what exactly he was going to do. My husband and I met Eric at his dorm room in the morning to go to breakfast together. When we entered his room, Eric was grinning from ear to ear. I immediately knew something was up and I asked him, “What is it Eric, what happened?” He pointed to a plastic water bottle with the school logo on it sitting on his dresser and said, “See that water bottle? I won it!” I asked, “How did you win it?” He said, “Best Male Dancer!” I was floored and I said, “Eric, I didn't even know you could dance” and he said, “I didn't either. I've never danced before in my life!”

I will never know what actually happened that evening. My guess is that he got up and danced really enthusiastically, the students there recognized that he was trying very hard and they rewarded him and made him feel special. What a gift! At that point I knew that for the most part he would be accepted there and that people will be kind to him. Again, I was reminded that I needed to accept him for who he is, not who I think he should be.